Nummer 8

Oldy but goldy

Wie beginne ich am besten? - Ich habe meinen Radiosender gewechselt. You FM hat mir beim Aufstehen immer sehr geholfen und mich daher jahrelang während meiner Schulzeit begleitet. Jeden morgen die 12 gleichen Lieder in anderer Reihenfolge. Und ich mochte nur ein, zwei Lieder halbwegs. Aber die Moderation ist einfach nicht so furchtbar aufgesetzt. Heile Welt am Morgen - Was kann es schlimmeres geben? Um der Musik Willen wechselte ich zu Radio Bob, nachdem ich durch Rock of Ages meine Aversion gegen 80er-Musik abgelegt hatte. Und bei den meisten Songs, wenn auch nicht allen, gilt tatsächlich "Oldy but Goldy".

Jetzt habe ich einen Ohrwurm von "Jessie's Girl". Eigentlich ganz gut, der Song - aber nur wenn man sich nicht dieses klischeehafte Musikvideo dazu anguckt. Es gibt ja Leute die mögen die Achtziger....

Jedenfalls bin ich mit dem heutigen Tag von meinen schulischen Pflichten befreit! Alles steht unter Strom! Es sind noch 3 Texte übrig. Gerne würde ich jetzt etwas positives veröffentlichen, aber so etwas habe ich nicht mehr im Repertoire. Stattdessen noch ein Oldy, der nicht allzu unbekannt sein dürfte, zählt es doch zu meinen  Meisterwerken, mit denen ich ja gerne prahle. Viel mehr macht die Geschichte übrigens her, wenn die sich einfühlende Autorin vorliest. - Wenn mir eine Rolle auf den Leib geschneidert wurde, dann die der Psychopathin! ^^ 

The Cockroach

 Numbed, in a trance my steps were leading me to this special door in the third floor. Actually it was not special. A door like many others fulfilling its function. It was similar to me. I was entirely normal and doing what I was supposed to do - being the punching bag of the jocks. But I'm not a door. I'm not as useless as this door which cannot stop me. Today I am reaching for something higher. I do have a name: Emilio.

- My name is neither Mexican, Loser, Favourite Victim, Parasite, Scrounger, Wab, Asshole, Scum, Tramp, Cockroach nor Tortilla. Most of the time they did not even look at me. I'm not just Emilio – I am more. But they keep destroying me.They were the scum and I was going to do the world a favor. Those stupid wankers! They were the reason I was separated from everyone else but today I was going to free myself from their force and I am going to release them from their good-for-nothing lives.

My parents had been aiming for a better life in the USA but here we were living in miserable conditions, too. We never had a chance but now we also lost hope. My Dad had become violent and soon after my mother and me had been able to escape my Mum had become addicted...I never had had a childhood. Where I was living it was easy to get a gun. It was not a home. No home for Emilio. No happiness for Emilio.

My life was hard but still it was worth more than theirs. They were bastards even though they had everything. Sometimes it seemed to me that they got rewards for being cruel. Where is the sense in that?

I never offended them. I did absolutely nothing. I just wanted to lead a normal life. Why can't I get the chance to do so? Why didn't they leave me alone like everybody else was doing?...Actually I'm pretty sure I am alone bacause all students are afraid of being bullied when being friends with me. This sucks. It was not a life. I did not deserve it.

Something inside of me started burning. I felt an adrenalin rush. There were no more doubts. Determinedly I opened the door. Everything seemed to move in slow motion except for my blood which I could feel racing through every single vein. For the first time in a long while I felt alive. I was a warrior of justice and today I was going to show my true face. I am fighting for everyone who had ever been in a similiar situation and might have given up. I am going to save other innocents from being bullied by them. Warrior of justice!

I entered. Maths. There they were – dumb as a sack of hammers. As usual they were sitting in a group. Alone they were nothing and today they will be all alone. That is how they really are: Every man for themself.

The astonishment on their faces was replaced by gloat when they noticed who had entered the room but today I was not afraid. Not today. This time our positions were reversed.

I did not say anything. But today I wasn't silent because of fear but because of superiority.

„The Cockroach“ Matt laughed mockingly as dim-whitted as he was. A football player, of course. Mr. Evens ignored Matt's comment and talked to me instead. „Do not enter a room without knocking! What do you want? Mr...“ This teacher to whom no student ever listened was a loser but even he thought he was better than me. He should know my name by now! I was getting truly angry until I reminded myself that this time it was me who had the whip hand.

I stepped backwards so that I could observe the whole class including Mr. Evens while locking the door with the keys I had stolen from the janitor. I did not have to think about consquences anymore.

As if it was nothing I pulled the gun which I had been holding meanwhile and which made me feel secure and confident. Just in case, I also had a second one. Now it was my turn to smirk. I tried to stay focused.

One girl screamed and some others immediately started whinig and sobbing. I kind of felt sorry for them but I was actually interested in the jocks. I have never seen them like that – speechless and frightened to death. A look in their eyes told me that they knew it. They knew that I did not want to kill random students – I wanted to kill them.

I smiled. „Now...we are going to play a game. How do you like that idea? You gave me the impression that you like playing with me, don't you?...But today...I am going to choose the game“. I cocked my head and held the gun ready to fire. I divided the class into two corners. I wanted to separate the jocks. It was probably the most intelligent of them who tried to hide in the other corner. I yelled at him „Hurry into your corner, jerk! Aren't you usually sticking together like brainless idiots“? When I had them gathered I was satisfied. But they weren't as obedient as I wanted them to be. One guy tried to escape through the window. „HEEEEY! What are you doing? Don't you see that I'm having a gun right here“? I fired off a warning shot. The bullet in his leg was supposed to remind him of that warning.

Everyone got even more frightened but as it got quieter Sam suddenly shouted. „Stop this shit!!“

Sam had called me Tortilla. „He is black...and he called me Tortilla. How dare he saying things like that? Isn't that racist? How dare he being racist? - I guess I am that unimportant that you think you might do anything to me. Ain't I a human?“ I mumbled. „Why do you think that you are better than me?“ I said it rather to myself than to him. I could not understand what made us different. I raised my voice

„I am something special, ain't I?... I just wanted you to leave me alone. I never did anything wrong but you punished me day after day. What was that for? Come on, tell me!!“ What could I have possibly done?

Suddenly I felt weak. I turned away and with a short view to the other corner I saw a girl using her cell phone. „Police“ I thought panicly. No! That was just not right! Did no one understand what I was doing here? All I wanted was justice. „HANG UP!“ I screamed hysterically and shot at the same moment...How could this happen? „Don't get in my way!“ I explained myself raging. In truth I was peeved at myself for losing control. She seemed to be dead. „I'm just doing what I have to do. She died for just cause“. Everybody went crazy. Although there was panic and hysteria before, now it reached its climax. I lost temper „Fuck! Bloody Hell!! I can't concentrate!“

At the last second I noticed Sam running towards me fast and resolutly. What was he doing? Did he try to unarm me? He was only about 7 inches distant when I pulled the trigger. Again my blood was racing while his was splashing. He was dead but I shot another three times. „That's what comes of it!“ I heard myself yelling in desperation and continued shooting down the jocks who I hated the most. It felt great to be furious. „Nobody moves!“ I shouted and walked backwards until I felt the wall in my back. Through the window I could see hundreds of students leaving the school ground. No more doubts – the police was alarmed. Exhausted I sank to the floor.

Why had that girl called the police? I had not wanted to kill any innocents. Why did she come in my way? Had she been on the side of those culprits?...Of course nobody would say something against the popular kids. My helpless desperation increased. Why didn't I feel better? Why was I alone? Why was I -...?

I can hear the sirens of the police. I can't help but sobbing once. Claire is making a step towards me. She's trembling. I think this is the first time she's speaking to me. „It's allright“ she says „Everything is gonna be fine...but you gotta stop now. Do you understand?“ That bitch is clearly trying to take advantage of my weakness. I give her some parting words: „Die, stupid whore!“

Everyone of them deserves my hatred!

Again I am screaming. „None of you ever helped me! Those wankers were bullying my every single day and you did nothing but watch. All of you helped destroying my life! Everyone of you totured me!“ With these word I'm pulling my second gun. I hesitated just one moment but in the end I find myself killing everything that moves. They shall feel my anger.

It is way too easy. A human life is not worth anything. No individuals, just assholes.

One shot after the other. Every bullet is supposed to satisfy my thirst for freedom. I want to be freed from all this pain. - But there is no satisfaction.

Still, I don't feel better.

I'm walking towards a girl. I wanna feel joy. I'm placing my gun against her head. I wanna feel her fear. By looking in her eyes I can tell that something inside her is dying right now.

Shouting and banging on the door.

I am very confused. The world is spinning. I'm gazing at the door. That's not the way I have imagined it to happen. I feel panic which rapidly decreases. There is just one feeling left: desperation.

The door opens...